With reflection and appreciation for this life (and 2016) also comes a hard look and assessment of what you really want and what you are willing to do to have it. As I look back to a year ago today, I recognize that I was at the start of a complete life/work restructuring. I moved. I took a full-time job after 5 years of working completely solo. I had to work on my business in the periphery and manage intense competing demands. Fear raged, and for a while, my ego coined me a failure. There was a deeper part of me that knew these shifts were right, although it took some time for my brain to get fully on board. Life experience seems to be filtered through a continual power struggle between the Ego Mind and our Higher Self; moment to moment choosing the voice that drives most of our decisions. I suppose the voice that gets heard and respected most is the one that dictates your level of fulfillment, meaning and true satisfaction in the end. I suppose our job is to nurture one we want leading the show more than not.

I wrote a letter and said goodbye to a little more Ego that I’m leaving behind in 2016.

Dear Sweet (Sly) Ego,

Tony Robbins said it best: “Success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure,” and oh how true it is. My dear friend often reminds me that “nobody cares.” It’s his spiritual mantra, translated with a bit of Wall Street wear and tear. I’d like to remind you (me) that even if you are excellent, great, good, or getting by, but inside you’re yearning for your “other life/other self” to begin…well…you might just be a miserable fail.

I’m sorry for the news. I know it hurts (gasp, but not really).

Don’t confuse this message by thinking that discomfort or inconvenience is “bad.” Moving through discomfort helps to cultivate some of the most satisfying moments on the other side. It’s a subtle thing, really. A bit hard to see. It’s the irritability in the morning, impatience in traffic, the need for a snack…and then another. Or it’s the roaring, crawling out of your skin, “I’m so far off my natural rhythm” screaming within that shows up as a pattern of overcompensation or blame (we can hash that out another time).

So is this “I’m doing great” actually not THAT great? Your day-to-day feels far from a “hell yes?”

A little self-honesty for the soul is in order.

Are you actually pretty disengaged, lonely, disconnected, isolated, bored, un-stimulated? Wouldn’t it be a shame to waste another beautiful day and not really enjoy yourself?

I think so. I’m willing to look at that.

Thank you ego, for your intimidation tactics, your rationales, your judgements that so elegantly hold me in quiet gridlock so I can be convinced to push it aside for a better time, believing that I can “do it later.” Thank you for seducing me into believing over and over again that change will happen at a more convenient moment.

Why can’t I do a micro-version of it right now? Yes, now.

The place is here. The time is now. (Change often happens over time, in phases, but let’s start to play with it today, wherever we can).

Self-honesty.
Self-audit.
Self-awareness.

Starts a ripple effect of change. Reveal a little more everyday.

Ego, I do appreciate you keeping me on my toes and reminding me of the healthy boundaries that need to be set, so I can stay safe. But I’d rather push the envelope. That’s where I feel alive.

So I think that might actually be what I’m really after. Security is how I feel deep within and the level of trust and connection I have with myself. Insecurity must be abandoning the true self for the ego, so you can satiate the image of what you think makes you worthy. Underneath any achievement or “doing well,” there I am, just me and me and my own feelings about how I experience each moment.

Oh, ego. Thank you for your earnest contributions to my current and future well-being. You will not rule this empire on a full time basis.

Your guidance has been appreciated.

Warmly,

Fulfillment